me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
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i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.