I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
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“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭