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Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
These are my roll models.
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat