me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
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You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now