Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
You Might Also Like
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee