This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
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CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.