People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
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Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
Shorty got
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🔘 all of the above
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Cause of death: Zumba
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.