The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
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Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
what the
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
how to market bottled water to dads