I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
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Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.