I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
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I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
🖤✌🏽
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
I wish I could veto my bills.
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
A flock of dads is called a grill.
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.