Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
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I can fix him.
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’