You Might Also Like
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
Finally, an explanation.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
😂🤣😂🤣
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours