Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
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“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
☠️☠️☠️
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids: