HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
You Might Also Like
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.