Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
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One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
Most fashion shows these days…
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true