I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
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Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
satan: not today, microsoft teams
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.