Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
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Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
Facebook memories be like
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?