It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
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Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
courtroom exchange of the day
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
.
.
.
.
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!