I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
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Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.