Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
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Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
All generalizations are stupid.
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.