Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
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[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona: