My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
You Might Also Like
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
nice challenge
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
Worlds greatest photobomb
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.