Every haunted house movie:
You Might Also Like
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
#Caturday
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less