My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
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married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself