Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
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From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
This took me a second..
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
need a new bf mines broken 😐
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
“our sushi is very fresh”
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school