Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
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Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe