My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
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*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
Baller is short for ballerina
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
Banana is the quietest snack