I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
You Might Also Like
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
What personal space?
My dog
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house