Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
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[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
An odd boast
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Owl Sanctuary
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.