If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
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someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE