I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
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“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.