They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
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so no one told you life was gonna be this way
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
This made me chuckle.
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.