Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
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Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
men, we mow at sunrise.
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago