*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
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[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
New Tinder profile.
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening