never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
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[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
🍛
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
🙂🙃🥹
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!