*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
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*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*