legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
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My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
mathematically impossible
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.