[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
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When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
Don’t snitch tag.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.