My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
You Might Also Like
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
Flock of bats
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.