Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
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The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample