When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
You Might Also Like
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
Scream sneezers need love too.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
Why font matters.
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
Can’t. Being lazy.
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted