ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
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Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer