We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
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I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
good morning
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA