No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
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You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
*offers Batman cough drops*
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE