telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
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ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while