I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
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him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
you know what ruined my childhood? children
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*