I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
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I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”