i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
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Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
Left at a local drug store…
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
💁🏻♂️
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master