[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
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*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
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Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.