Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
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What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees